Some men just don’t grow up – and we’ve got the Tweets to prove it.
We know by now that men are from Mars, but it seems married men are from a planet of their own. And a funny one, that is. They either entertain or annoy their better half, which is according to Twitter users, just hilarious.
Even if you’re not married, you’ll still appreciate these men winning at life and marriage!
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 2, 2017
2. Saved by the kid…
5-year-old: *dressed as Elsa* Zap! You're frozen.
Me: I don't have time to play right now
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can't. I'm frozen.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2016
3. When it’s not his turn:
Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016
4. When they take things too literally:
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it's easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
— brandAn is good (@LeBearGirdle) October 22, 2016
5. When they agree to keep the peace:
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) March 17, 2016
6. Never a dull moment:
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
7. Even at the therapist’s office:
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2015
8. Always doing what they’re not suppose to…
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
9. Because grown ups can do what they want:
son: Can I have my toy back?
wife: Not right now, it's keeping him quiet
me *playing with his dinosaur*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 28, 2017
10. How relevant…
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
— Bad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) January 27, 2017
11. When you can’t escape…
Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
12. A valid reason:
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
[trying to comfort crying baby]
Me: what is your fucken problem
Wife: try singing to him
Me: ? what is your fucken problem ?
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 23, 2016
14. *Don’t know what you’re talking about*
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 16, 2016
15. And it’s so smooth…
WIFE: you didn't use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) November 29, 2016
16. You’re not going to believe this…
WIFE: Don't go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You're not going to believe this.
— The Pale space Rider (@truegritrumble) September 1, 2016
17. When the wife sees the internet history:
Wife: Where are you
Me: The store
W: Don't lie to me
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up* pic.twitter.com/CbhMqKVGkq
— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) May 25, 2016
18. When they are no help at all…
19. So annoying, man.
THERAPIST: what's the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don't do it on porpoise
— eric (@ericsshadow) May 23, 2016
20. Close call!
Wife: Someone invented a laundry folding machine
Me: I already have one of those. It's called a w-
Wife: *death glare*
Me: It's called me
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2016
21. The reality:
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I'm catching Pokemon near there
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 18, 2016
22. *Imagining this movie scene*
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 10, 2017
23. When they analyze children:
toddler *puts shoe on*
wife: Is there anything he can't do?
me: Buy beer
me: Open child proof lids
wife: That's enough
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 17, 2017
24. When they’re freaking out about their responsibilities…
FRIEND: do u guys want a boy or a girl
PREGNANT WIFE: we just hope he or she is healthy
ME (rubbing her belly): im actually hoping its a dog
— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) September 23, 2016
25. Dammit, Karen!
[arriving at church]
WIFE: Don't go taking a nap during the sermon again
ME: *hiding my pillow* The 7th day is for rest, Karen
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) September 25, 2015
26. They don’t always know what to say, but when they do…
KID IN PARK [crying] I dunno where my mum's gone to
WIFE:Talk to him
M: Hey listen *kneels* don't end a sentence with a preposition
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 5, 2016
27. As always…
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: *pauses daydream about zombie ninjas fighting cyborg Nazis from the future* You.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2016
28. Jeez, Karen!
WIFE: Let's talk about your passive-aggressive behavior.
ME: Or we could talk about the fact that no one likes you, Karen.
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) October 14, 2016
29. *Karen rolls eyes*
[buying a used car]
SALESMAN: What if I told you this vehicle is the Batmobile?
WIFE: We're not stupid.
ME: Hold on Karen, let him finish.
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) November 12, 2015
30. ‘Do I really have to see your parents again this weekend?’