Prison Journalism: Reflections on Identity, Control and Survival Behind Bars

By the time I find myself falling asleep from sheer exhaustion, the stirrings of a new day become so apparent that sleep is not an option. The night is spent in contemplation, my mind wandering. The stillness of the night is disturbed by my noisy thoughts, and I alone am troubled by their presence. They provoke me into a battle I would rather avoid.

The simple reason is that my thoughts should be focused solely on my immediate survival in prison, on ensuring a safe and imminent future. It’s a daunting yet enriching task. Excitement momentarily takes over before reality bites, and I must pull myself out of the self-made disaster. These feelings, thoughts, and freak-outs comprise my days.

Excusatio non petita, accusatio manifesta

I live by the day, simply holding myself accountable, albeit only to myself. I would never allow myself to be accountable to anyone else, as that would mean relinquishing complete control. Remember, there are levels to this! However, the prison system has reduced me to a number, a total mind-bender. I am now just a digit. It’s nothing personal; it’s a way of connection. The thought scares me. Think about having one’s identity pulled apart, shipped away nastily. Accept it!

ALSO READ: Prison journalism: The feelings I hold for Nelson Mandela

How did it come to this?

Well, I had boundaries that could be pushed, fences that could be moved. It is not amusing; it is a posture I strive to avoid. Because ultimately, confusion always reigns on that side! I neglected my victims. Now, I plan to refine some aspects of myself, and reset others. The purpose is to improve. I must buckle to the system unless I want to live an even lesser life. So, what could be lesser than this? Here is my structure:

• Wake up: 4:30 -5:00 – Start the day early, preparing for what lies ahead.
• Shower: 5:00 – 6:00 AM – Personal hygiene and grooming.
• Quiet time: 6:00 – 6:15 AM – A moment for reflection or meditation.
• Rest: 6:45 – 7:00 AM – A brief period to rest before the day’s activities.
• Counting (x2): 7:00 – 8:00 AM – Routine check.
• Morning duties: 8:00 – 8;45 AM – All sorts of tasks and responsibilities.
• Daily activities: 9:00 – 11:30 AM – Engaging in work and education.
• Tea/coffee break: 11:30 – 12:00 PM – A time for refreshment and relaxation.
• Afternoon duties: 12:30 – 13:00 PM – Additional tasks and responsibilities.
• Country time: 14:00 – 15:00 PM – Outdoor work.
• Winding down: 15:00 – 16:00 PM – Reflection of the day.

ALSO READ: Prison journalism: How to endure the winters of a life sentence

The only time I have opportunities to interact with non-offenders is to control, to listen carefully, to instill discipline and respect. Respect for the death row inmates. This life can and will open many doors. In fact, some have lived even less comfortably than mine. Prison is never comfortable.

Should you wish to assist in the rehabilitation of former inmates and help put money into the pockets of those who have struggled to earn a living during and after incarceration, click HERE 

DISCLAIMER: Submission published as received

RESTORE is an NGO based in Cape Town, South Africa, providing inmates at Pollsmoor Prison with restorative justice opportunities.

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