Prison journalism: A personal reflection on my journey through the underworld

So, when was I to do thinking that nobody loves me, and no one cares about me? I just had one thing on my mind, and that is to stay on top of my game and doing that comes with a bit of consciousness by saying that it matters.

A World of Power and Betrayal

If I did something and I did things that aligned with my circle of friends, my group took to be taught in the same way. If I told them to go out and bring me someone, with no doubt, they would bring that person I was looking for. If I told them to stay here, they would stay, and it felt really good. But do you know that even if you have power over people, they may come to hate you, and in that case, you have to watch your back, which takes a lot of energy because you have to look out for your own gang and all the other people I have hurt in the past.

Then, with that comes the cops. They will always try to pin you, and that was something that happened on a daily basis. But my group had my back, so nothing could ever come back to me. If I had an order that came from a member who is above me, I made sure to carry it out, no matter what the case may be.

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Masking and Playing with my Identity

To be honest with you, I never had any sleep, and I never put any trust into someone because it is easy to be disappointed by people. So, I knew to never be too open or attached to someone because the moment you do that, it makes you weak, and in the underworld, that is something that should not be done. I think it was just like an action game that I was playing because that was what it felt like. The thing I learned is that the type of mindset you have is the type of person you are, and whatever comes from your heart is how you live. The reason I’m saying that is, I had hated everyone for no reason; it was something inside of me.

If I may tell you that if I had to go to my members, there is a certain way that I had to talk and act, and I did it in different places at different times. It’s like I had to put on a mask everywhere that I went, and that changed me because I didn’t know who I really was, and I never had time to focus on that.

ALSO READ: Prison journalism: My journey of self-discovery and transformation

DISCLAIMER: Submission published as received

RESTORE is an NGO based in Cape Town, South Africa, providing inmates at Pollsmoor Prison with restorative justice opportunities.

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