themag.co.uk
themag.co.uk
English football fans toe a very fine line between creative remastery and sublimely offensive linguistic skills.
The football chant is perfect for these guys. It’s short, it’s sharp, and many have their roots in songs that couldn’t be any further away from sporting culture.
Read: We ranked the 20 new Premier League kits for this season
It is the wit, and the genuine belly-laughs we are after today though: Some of the Premier League’s biggest bastards are due for a roasting. Thanks to the collective efforts of these boozed up Brits, we have the perfect riposte to the men we love to hate:
(The first three are to the tune of The Beach Boys’ ‘Sloop John B’)
1) Jonjo Shelvey and The Chamber of Cruelty
Straight up, this is a personal favourite. Granted, this tune is done to death, but when West Ham travelled to Liverpool a few years back, they couldn’t help but notice Jonjo Shelvey’s likeliness to Voldemort (He who shall not be named… In the starting 11)
“He’s coming for you,
He’s coming for you!
Harry Potter, he’s coming for you!”
2) Bitey Suarez gets a little taste of karma
Luis Suarez is used to his dentures grabbing the headlines, considering he’s had three separate bans for biting opponents in his career. He’s chewed more flesh than Jaws, and Manchester United fans used his most fearsome weapon against him:
“Your teeth are offside,
Your teeth are offside!
Luis Suarez, Your teeth are offside!”
3) Chelsea’s Diego Costa gets haunted by his own face
This is the last chant to the Sloop John B song, I promise: The most brutal insults seem to be the shortest, most concise ones too. Chantable, memorable… Reprehensible. Liverpool fans gave the controversial striker the business on a trip to Anfield.
“The elephant man,
The elephant man!
Diego Costa, the elephant man!”
4) Stoke fans put a Cheryl Cole song to good use. Finally…
(Cheryl Cole – Fight For This Love)
Heartbreakingly, there’s no footage of this online. This chant surfaced in 2010, just on the cusp of time before smartphone videos made zombies of us all. Either way, when Stoke entertained Chelsea a month after Ashley and Cheryl Cole announced their split, the home fans put on a stellar cover version on “Fight For This Love”:
“You’ve got to file, file, file, file, file for divorce!” (Repeat for the entire first half)
5) Why did Howard Webb have such a good relationship with Manchester United? Oh… Oh God.
(Various football fan chant of ‘He’s here, he’s there…)
Fair play to the Liverpool fans again here, they seem to be on the end of AND responsible for the best chants in the Premier League era. Former referee Howard Webb was alleged to give soft decisions United’s way, and the scousers had a theory. A truly disturbing theory:
“He’s bald, he’s red,
He sleeps in Fergie’s bed!
Howard Webb, Howard Webb!”
6) Stevie Gerrard’s Groundhog Day plagues him until retirement
(Doris Day – Que Sera Sera)
One of the greatest players of the 21st century had one chance in 2014 to lift a Premier League trophy with Liverpool… Come on guys, you know what happened next don’t you?
Stevie G’s fateful slip that played Chelsea’s Demba Ba in for the goal that effectively killed their title challenge has gone down in sporting folklore. Every fan, everywhere, has never EVER let it go: Gerrard retired with no league winners medal. Just infamy, instead…
“Steve Gerrard, Gerrard.
He slipped on his f***ing arse,
He gave it to Demba Ba,
Steve Gerrard, Gerrard!”
7) No away ground is safe…
(American Gospel Hymn – When The Saints Go Marching In)
Whether you are at Old Trafford or stood in the terrace’s at Yeovil’s Huish Park, it is your duty as an away fan to mock whatever tin-pot stadium these guys play it. It isn’t your team’s ground, therefore it is awful. Give it one of these:
“My Garden Shed!
(My garden shed)
Is bigger than this!
(Is bigger than this)
My garden shed is bigger than this!
It’s got a door, and a window…
My garden shed is bigger than this!”
8) WILDCARD: A plant pot causes scenes of mass joy for Barnsley FC fans…
(Gospel Hymn – He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands)
This chant is neither brutal nor Premier League (The Tykes were in the top flight in 1997/98 though), but it cannot be left off of this list. I won’t allow it: Their away day in Rochdale caused one of the most bizarre, but most enjoyable moments in terrace history:
9) When West Ham fans had to bring protective headgear to Upton Park…
(Dean Martin – That’s Amore)
Bobby Zamora had a fine career, all things considered. He fired Fulham to a Europa League final, and scored QPR’s most famous goal in recent history when his last minute strike against Derby earned them promotion back to the PL.
However, he’s also had a few lean spells too. When he was bad, he was… Well, he was life-threatening, as West Ham fans circa 2006 will tell you:
“When you’re sat in Row Z,
And the ball hits your head,
That’s Zamora!”
10) Rafael Benitez always has a fallback career
(Joseito Fernandez – Guajira Guantanamera)
He’s certainly had to spin a few plates and knows a thing or two about setting table places. Benitez certainly doesn’t need any tips on… Ah, forget these awful puns, let’s just revel in some more Stoke City supporters delivering some textbook abuse:
“Fat Spanish waiter!
You’re just a fat Spanish waiter!
Fat Spanish waiter…”
