The Truth about the Tropics

The Truth about the Tropics

Forget The Homecoming Revolution, or Brand South Africa, or even meaningful political change. There may be a simpler and cheaper way to stop the brain drain: Just tell the truth about life in Australia.

The Truth about the Tropics

Forget The Homecoming Revolution, or Brand South Africa, or even meaningful political change. There may be a simpler and cheaper way to stop the brain drain: Just tell the truth about life in Australia.

These are the things they don’t tell you about tropical Queensland. The things I am discovering and experiencing for myself. The stuff that is not discussed at those Australian migration seminars they hold in the air-conditioned halls of Gallagher Estates.

Tropical Truth 1:

Nature is not kind to Australia. In fact, the overall theme in product development in Australia is keeping nature at bay. Over and above the threat of drought, fire and / or flooding – there are sand flies, mosquitos, mites, snakes, fleas and giant spiders. Because they have such uniquely antipodean crap insects and threats to general existence, Australians have developed an enormous range of products that are only really necessary here. Like insect spray with an SPF of 50. Or Washing powder that repels sand flies. Or soap with citronella oil.

At least they’re innovative.

Whereas I used to apply a quick spray of perfume before I left the house, I now apply half a can of insect spray and a healthy dollop of sunscreen. Yip — they don’t mention that stuff in those seminars.

There’s one way right there to stop the brain drain – tell the truth about the tropics, the truth about the sweat that gathers in that crease between the bottom and the leg – you’ll see immigration halve!

Tropical Truth 2:

The heat and humidity in tropical Queensland is something else.  I’ve seen a piece of cheese turn into a puddle of unrecognisable Gouda on the breadboard in the time it took me to turn around and get the ham out of the fridge. If you take a shirt out of the washing machine, put it on a coat hanger, and hang it on a door handle inside, it will be dry within the hour. It just steams itself. (That, perhaps, is why, when I first arrived, everyone kept telling me how they never ironed a thing. They had clearly learnt the trick of letting the humidity self-steam-dry their clothes.)

I was told that it’s the humidity that gets you in the end, and boy was that true.

At least it wasn’t the sand flies.

Tropical Truth 3:

The other tropical truth is the rate at which plants grow once it does actually rain. I think that our house could be completely covered by our garden and the forest next door if left unchecked. It grows in front of your eyes. My house could look like the Inca ruins by the time you even read this. And I’ve probably just gone out shopping.

Tropical Truth 4:

And of course, the final truth about Australia, the piece de resistance; all the chores.

My favourite of all my newly acquired chores is the cleaning of our outside rubbish bins.

When I first tackled the outside council bins they were rather smelly, and home to newly hatched maggot wormy creatures, all due to the previous week’s heat wave, which preceded the monsoon.

Wearing my new <pink> rubber gloves, which I have to wear to prevent the worsening of my recently developed skin condition — dermatitis, which I have recently contracted on my hands, due to exposure to harsh chemicals and soap. I have housework hands.  And armed with a brush, a mop, disinfectant, nuclear grade cleaner, bleach, and a hosepipe, I tackled my bins. It was the grossest, smelliest hour of my life to date.

I then broke seventeen of Australia’s laws, and emptied the water, chemicals and all, into my outside drain, via a patch of green lawn. Not only had I killed the greener grass for which I longed, I think I may have personally killed the Great Barrier Reef, which is not very far off the coast, in the ocean into which our storm water drains undoubtedly flow.

Such is life in paradise. That is the truth about the Australian tropics.

Take off those rose tinted spectacles and you will see that Australia definitely does have its problems, but they mostly involve nature as far as I can tell. And immigrants with cleaning chemicals.