When I was a child I vividly recall feeling quite confident that there were two designs when it came to teeth. Some people sported the traditional version – 32 neat little squares – while others were blessed with one single cutting-edge design. I knew this to be true because I watched Heidi. Please refer to […]
When I was a child I vividly recall feeling quite confident that there were two designs when it came to teeth. Some people sported the traditional version – 32 neat little squares – while others were blessed with one single cutting-edge design. I knew this to be true because I watched Heidi. Please refer to Figure 1a if you require a reminder. See? One, nice linear upper tooth – and jolly well it seemed to do her when chomping though all that crusty bread and chunky cheese.
Applying similar logic as an adult, you could hardly blame me for wondering whether there are also two designs when it comes to breasts. The greater spotted nippled version and the lesser spotted, quite literally, nipple-less version.
Let me explain.
One of my chores this weekend was to purchase a brassiere. In order to achieve said chore I did first what most shoppers do these days; I went online. Merrily I surfed the boobtube, browsing through Figleaves and pottering around Calvin Klein, when it struck me – not for the first time – that there was a distinct lack of nipplery going on, even under the sheerest bits of lace. Now, either lingerie models are a very unique breed indeed, or there has been some very heavy-handed Photoshopping going on.
The nipple-as-naughty debate has gone on for many years. In fact, it has been said that thanks to Scope magazine and it’s strategic placement of black stars on it’s models’ ‘rude’ bits, a generation of South African men grew up believing that women’s nipples were naturally star-shaped. Even if this amusing tit-bit were true, I do not fall within this demographic. I have known for some time now that I have nipples – and I know too what they look like.
What’s more, if one were to arrange a mixed gender police line up of these naughty, naughty nipples I guarantee that most anyone would find separating male from female a challenge because…they.look.the.same.
I hope I haven’t shocked anyone with this earth-shattering revelation but I think it is fair to say that in nipples, if still not in everything else, men and women are equal. Agreed?
And can we therefore agree that every man, woman and child knows what a nipple looks like for the very simple reason that we all own two?
No doubt there are people in suits with drawers full of black stars and fat marker pens just dying to tell me that it is necessary to censor women’s busts thus in order to prevent these retail sites from falling into the soft porn category. But really, if you get your kicks out of a full shopping basket at Figleaves, you’re a little bit sad.
So can we please drop the Photoshopping and get back to important stuff like the Zim elections, Middle East peace talks and obsessing over the now imminent arrival of the Royal Baby-with-a-capital-B? Oh, wait, hang on, does Kate have nipples? Will she be whipping them out in public as the breastfeeding activists wait with bated breath to judge her choices? Oy vey…
[Note: Two columns in a row involving nudity? How very unusual. I can assure you, this will not be a permanent theme.]