Jacob Zuma

JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA – JULY 01: President Jacob Zuma addresses delegates during the African National Congress (ANC) 5th national policy conference at the Nasrec Expo Centre on July 01, 2017 in Johannesburg, South Africa.

Ten things delegates will need to bring to the ANC Elective Conference 2017

I-pod? Check. Books? Check. Erm, a giant stick? Checkmate…

Jacob Zuma

JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA – JULY 01: President Jacob Zuma addresses delegates during the African National Congress (ANC) 5th national policy conference at the Nasrec Expo Centre on July 01, 2017 in Johannesburg, South Africa.

Tis the season for the ANC Elective Conference 2017. Perhaps we shouldn’t read too much into the date, but seeing as this will be the event where Jacob Zuma’s replacement is announced, are we to expect a gift or two from the ANC?

Christmas will certainly be coming early for Cyril Ramaphosa or Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma. The front-runners to replace Mr Zuma will know if their campaign has been successful by Sunday evening. Over 5,000 delegates will be in attendance at the Nasrec venue, but it’s going to be a long weekend for them.

From 16th – 20th December, sessions will be starting early and finishing late. The days will be long, and concentration will have to be at peak levels. But how can ANC delegates survive this ordeal? We’ve put together a little itinerary for them:

What delegates must bring to the ANC Elective Conference 2017:

1) A Russian Phrasebook

Russia have us on strings with the nuclear deal, and they’re allegedly planning to use their influence at the ANC Elective Conference to get their preferred candidate. Our BRICS partner perhaps have this country up against the wall. Best get learning the Russian language before we see any more votes of niet confidence.

2) Instant Coffee

We all run on South African time. It’s our prerogative to be late here and there. But ANC time is something else. The Free State PEC started ten hours (ten bloody hours) later than billed last weekend. Jacob Zuma never announces anything before midday, which may be why final sessions at these Electives start as late as 20:00.

3) Milk and Cookies

So, whilst we’re on the subject of over-running, we notice that the last day of the ANC Elective Conference 2017 is the 20th December. This is the political party who can’t organise a piss-up in a brewery. Politely putting it, you’d have to be blindly optimistic to think this will all play out smoothly.

There could very well be a Christmas lock-in, and when Santa comes to deliver presents to the handful of ANC MPs who behaved themselves this year, they better make sure the jolly fella has something to fill up on.

4) A donation bucket

Legal fees aren’t cheap, and the Guptas don’t want anything to do with Jacob Zuma’s courtroom battles. I mean, they are the reason he’s been stung by the State of Capture report. But they’re hiding from the mess they have induced. What a mentality.

Make sure you’ve got a bucket, a pot, a coin slot or anything that can hold loose change. The President has a fight on his hands to clear his name, and his benefactors are doing a Wayde van Niekerk; running into the distance at an alarming pace.

5) A fold-able chair

One of the more essential items you’ll need to bring is your own seating. The thing with these conferences is that the chairs they put out don’t stay grounded very long…

Stay one step ahead of the game with your own personal fold-up. If chairs start flying, you can just start reclining.

6) A goodie bag for Fikile Mbalula

We were wondering what to get our Police Chief, the feisty social media guru. So we though it’d be best if we copied the Christianity model. Everyone must bring one of three gifts. No, not myrhh, frankincense and gold. But these items instead:

  • Mobile phone charger – can’t have the Chief of the Tweet missing out on his social media updates, can we?
  • A guide to ‘reverse image’ searching – Mbalula had a bit of a nightmare when he used an old photo for a new story last week. Someone give the guy a hand so he can start getting his facts straight
  • A javelin – Like all good Sport and Recreation ministers, Mbalula picked an argument with one of South Africa’s athletes, Sunette Viljoen. Viljoen has won an Olympic silver medal, but complained about bonuses. Flik didn’t take too kindly to her roasting, so it’s clear what he must do: Take up javelin, and settle this on the (track and) field.

6) Cigarette papers

Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma knows a guy who knows a guy… She has allegedly allowed a business relationship to form between herself and Adriano Mazzotti, a tobacco manufacturer who is up to his eyeballs in corruption. Just bring your roll-ups with you, and NDZ will sort you out.

7) A giant stick

So you’ve got something to prod this guy with when he nods off

zuma sleeping mini budget speech

8) Some decent literature

Look, there’s going to be a lot of downtime at this thing. You delegates are going to need to keep your minds active and kill a lot of time. We’ve got three suggestions for you:

A) The President’s Keepers – A great crime thriller, but the twist is a little predictable. Turns out we knew who the criminal was all along, hidden in plain sight.

B) A Simple Man – Kasrils and the Zuma Enigma – A real ‘good cop, bad cop’ story where their lives take wildly different paths. Think True Detective, but with less properly-completed tax returns.

C) Reasons to Vote ANC – No words needed. Just look at this beauty:

Truth is stranger than non-fiction.

Truth is stranger than non-fiction:

New comedy novel, #Unpresidented, is being stocked in most bookstores in the NON-FICTION section. Which is hilarious!
This video which I first saw on brilliant Khaya Dlanga’s Insta feed, shows #Unpresidented next to some heavy-hitting non-fiction, and a very, very funny book, entitled, Reasons to Vote ANC; An in-depth guide, by Thami Thami. You might find the contents of interest.
Also, I’m not complaining; non-fiction sells way better than fiction. So maybe this is the secret?

But either way, just goes to show, truth is stranger than non-fiction.

Posted by Paige Nick on Sunday, 4 June 2017

9) A bag with a dollar sign on it

Bribes are flying about on both sides. ANC delegates are at risk of being bought-off at the 54th ANC Elective Conference. You’re only human, and this party haven’t cared about honest principles for a little while now. Make sure your vote-bribe doesn’t end up in the Zuma donation bucket, by bringing a clearly-marked swag bag.

10 An i-Pod

For these banging tunes:

Sizwe Mpofu-Walsh – Mr President

Gqom – uBaba ka Duduzane

N’kandla Staail – Gupta’s Paradise

Freshly Ground – Banana Republic