(John Higgins)
(John Higgins)
Going back a few years, I started a Twitter conversation with the woman who turned out to be the love of my life. But, because life loves throwing spanners in various works, there was a catch. She lived 6,000 miles away. Long distance it is, then…
I’m the Nottingham lad who lives for ale and football. She’s the glamorous, eloquent princess who decided she didn’t really fancy good-looking men, and thought she’d do her bit for charity by going out with me.
We met up in London, but we were in love even before that. For nearly two years, we managed our relationship over a chasm of 9,000km. Love hurts, and when you throw distance into the equation, it damn near rips your soul out.
However, all’s well that ends well. My wife still hasn’t seen she’s too good for me, so I’m keeping my head down. I also learned a lot whilst we were apart…
What a long distance relationship taught me:
1 . For the love of god, be kind
This is the first and most important thing that springs to mind. Like any couple, you’ll still argue and upset each other. But there are times where you can control your response. Living apart from who you love is an enormous demand, so try and do as much as you can to be calm and understanding no matter what.
2. Don’t fight any battles on your own
Sometimes, it can seem like a viable option to deal with your own problems ‘under the radar’ of your partner. You aren’t saving anyone a burden though. It causes a lot of tension, and doesn’t exactly help your significant other build trust in you.
3. You have to be an open book
Following on from this, you have to be as honest as you can be. Lies aren’t just things that are made up, they are also half-truths. The biggest problems I’ve caused in our relationship have been from ‘hiding’ things that I thought I could handle myself. Sorry, that’s not how it works, and it’s still something I’m working on now.
4. Mix up the way you communicate
We’re nearly in 2018. Long distance relationships have never been so easy: Skype, WhatsApp, FaceTime and Twitter are all easy communication methods that make the distance between couples a lot more managable.
But you can’t just rely on WhatsApp text all the time. Nor is it the best idea to solely talk via video calls. There needs to be a balance between ‘intimate and casual’ conversation.
5. In the beginning… There will be sexting
You tend to learn on the job with this one. But if you’re new to the long distance racket, you’re going to have to become an erotic novelist at some point. Watch this clip of The Inbetweeners for a few pointers:
6. There’s nothing better than a surprise gift sent to your partner’s work
It’s romantic, it causes a scene and it makes your love feel very special. I always thought this was just a thing for the ladies, until my other half sent me a message in a bottle and some goodies, which I unfurled just before work. I blubbered like I was watching the ending of Marley and Me all over again.
7. It’s not just ‘us two against the world’
Yes, your love will conquer all. But that doesn’t mean no-one can help. Supportive friends and family are the absolute life-blood of a long distance relationship. You can survive without them, but a support-network rooting for it all to work out makes you feel 10-feet tall.
8. This episode of Doctor Who is unbelievably motivational
I know. I’m not a huge Whovian myself, but sometimes they make unbelievably good television. This was the case with Heaven Sent – the 11th episode of the 9th season.
The premise is this: The Doctor has tragically lost his companion. He is transported to an island prison, where it is revealed he’ll be kept there for eternity and guarded by an evil figure know as The Veil. The only way home is through a gate that is protected by a solid wall of diamond. Yes, all is pretty nerdy and sci-fi so far.
The episode culminates with the Doctor reciting an old fable about how many seconds are in eternity. He begins to punch through the wall, but each time he starts, he is attacked by The Veil, leaving him severely battered and bruised. He crawls back to the teleporter, creates a regenrated version of himself, and tries again.
He does this for billions of years, until the wall is punched through. It’s very much the most visual representation of long distance you could wish to see. You have to create a version of yourself that can get through every day, punching through that wall of separation, until you’re back with the one you love.
Read: 21 life lessons I learned after running my first half-marathon
9. Short term visits are a killer, but they’re needed
I worked as a teacher, so would utilise every break I could to come and see my wife. Every six-to-eight weeks, I’d begin my long-haul flight from the UK to Cape Town. I could just about squeeze a 10-day visit in, but not everything is so rosy.
Two of those days account for travel. The day either side of that is used for rest, or commiseration that you’ll be apart again. In between, both parties have to work, and the pressure to have a good time is. However, if we couldn’t see each other in short, sharp bursts, we probably wouldn’t be where we are today.
10. You have to have a long-term goal to walk towards
Long distance relationships can’t be a fling. They are the most solemn commitment you can make with another person. At the end of the day, these relationships means you’ll either get married or go your separate ways. There is no casual option, you have to be all in.
11. It’s fine to have some alone time
Just because you live at opposite ends of the planet or the country, it doesn’t mean you owe every second of your time to your significant other. That constant communication does bridge that gap, though.
However, you still have to live your life. There’s nothing wrong with making plans and telling your partner where you’ll be and how long you’ll be out for. It also helps you pull your face away from the engulfing glow of a smart-phone screen.
12. You have to be ready to start a new life
Well, one of you is going to have to move, right? You need to know this fairly early on. When I first met my wife in the UK (OK, we started talking on Twitter first. Get over it Grandad, it’s the 21st century), I was immediately convinced my life was in South Africa. You have to be prepared for sweeping changes.
13. No type of long distance is worse than the other.
Because we were managing an intercontinental relationship, some of the friends I have were a little sheepish talking about their partners who lived a few hours’ drive away.
Sorry, but there’s no league table of whose relationship has the most mileage. We all go through the same emotions, make the same commitments and harbour that same confusing feeling of loneliness and intimate companionship. We’re in this together, all of us.
14. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about
I’ve noticed that, earlier on our relationship, I could be a bit shy about explaining our situation. Which is absolute horse-shit. This is the globally connected generation, it’s very easy to fall in love with someone from a different hemisphere. Let’s be honest, it’s not very likely your soulmate lives just two streets away, now is it?
15. Your dad will say the same ‘I wish my relationship was like yours’ joke repeatedly:
Mr Head: “HERE, TOM. I wish my wife was 6,000 miles away. I’d be out every night getting bla…”
Me: “Getting bladdered, yes I know.”
Mr Head: “HERE, TOM. You can have as many pints as you like. I know I would. I’d be out every night getting bladdered…”
Rinse and repeat and repeat again for good measure. God knows that man is my hero, though.
16. I wouldn’t have had it any other way
Countless intercontinental flights. Half-days spent transferring in gulf-state airport terminals, rolling off a plane and straight into work looking like a shite sandwich. Every penny going towards the next trip. Every second of time being so important to maximise. Every second apart, a second closer to being reunited.
Would I do it all again? Yes. A million times, yes. I’d punch through that diamond wall for billions of years just to see her again. I think the Mrs would do the same for me. Maybe that’s different now we’re permanently living together!
