Ten alternative suggestions for New Year's resolutions we should all try

Ten alternative suggestions for New Year’s resolutions we should all try

These are resolutions we can actually stick to

Ten alternative suggestions for New Year's resolutions we should all try

Tis the season to be jolly, isn’t it? That’s until our New Year’s resolutions fall flat on their arse by February, and we have another 11 months left to reflect on our failures. Sounding like Liverpool fans, we tell ourselves – “it will be better next year”.

The problem with these resolutions is that they are too vague to commit too. When people claim they should spend more time with family, there’s very rarely a rigid structure to follow. When folk say they want to exercise more… Well, when? Where will you go? What will you do? The questions avalanche, and the pressure buries us.

Most common New Year’s resolutions:

  • Exercise more often
  • Lose weight
  • Spend more time with family and friends
  • Quit smoking
  • Do more with life
  • Quit or reduce drinking
  • Clear debt
  • Learn a new skill or hobby
  • Eat Healthily
  • Create more ‘me’ time

A lot of our goals are too unclear to follow. So here we are, to set some very direct targets that a) we all need in our lives and b) we can all actually implement. This is how we’re going to get our shit together in 2018:

Alternative New Year’s Resolutions for 2018

1. Stop making plans we know we’re going to bail on

Who the bloody hell do we think we are? Organising drinks for Tuesday after work? Or the dreaded ‘great, see you Sunday’. What absolute codswallop. This, collectively, is the first thing we are stopping. Never do we want to feel that impending dread as the moment of leaving our house at twat o’clock draws ever closer.

2. Starve attention seekers of their oxygen

Not their actual oxygen, although attention might as well be. It’s time to cut out the toxic people who will flip their morals just to be the centre of everything. We’re talking about the drama-lovers, the shit-stirrers and, erm, whatever category this guy falls under.

August 31st, Auckland Park, Johannesburg – Hlaudi Motsoeneng addresses the media in a stream of consciousness press conference. What a banner to bring along.

3. Make Friday beers great again

If you work your arse off for five days straight, clocking fifty hours a week just so you’ve got enough money to get by, the very least you owe yourself is a pint, or a glass of wine, or even a pint of wine on a Friday evening. This is one of your more important New Year’s resolutions, here.

Indeed, there’s many of us who have to work Saturdays. But you can’t let that stand in the way of Friday drinks. If you turn up steaming drunk the next day, whose fault is it? Yours, or the company daft enough to make you work Saturdays? Reclaim your space, and those precious hours on a Friday.

4. Sort out our pillows to bed space ratios

This is something we can all stick to, from January 1st onwards. Why must a bed be adorned in pillows, when two (maximum) do the trick for a sleepy head? By time we have thrown all the surplus pillows onto the floor and got comfy, the morning alarm goes off. These are the new ratios:

Beds: Two pillows per person. Maximum four per bed. One extra pillow for emergencies.
Couches: Once per seat. Eg, a three-seater sofa must have three cushions only.
Armchairs: Two cushions. One for back support, one for backside support.

5. Watch and listen to Tunak Tunak Tun once a day

We’ve been aware of this song for eight years, and never bothered to translate a single lyric. Another thing we’ve never done is look back. Tunak Tunak Tun will be there for you in light, darkness, and everything in between. PRO TIP: Listen to this before NYE so you have the best moves of anyone at the party.

(It kicks off at 27 seconds)

6. Commit one day a month to the sanctity of our duvets

What’s the one thing you want to do more than anything when you’re at work? The correct answer is be home at bed. Of course, South Africa is a lekker country and to waste a day inside could be seen as criminal. But you have to fight for what you believe in, here.

Think of ‘Monday morning you’, as you erect a living room pillow fort. They will be smiling back at you, appreciating the fine job you’ve done intermingling the couch, blankets and pillows (well-proportioned, of course). Parents, we know this is tough. But kids love blankets. There is a way for us all to enjoy this.

7. Give to charity once a week

We aren’t just all sarcasm and pillow-ratios for our New Year’s resolutions. There is one thing that is easy enough to do, and that’s to handover a small sum of money to people who need it more than you. Even if it’s R50 here and there, it’s the thought that counts.

8. Stop using our phones between the hours of 00:00 – 06:00

Pixabay

Climbing off our soapbox, we think this is something everyone can follow. Think long and hard about this. What was the last message you sent mid-jol that really ended well? It’s hard to think of, isn’t it?

We need to commit to a six hour amnesty. Or at least choose a designated messenger for the night. At thesouthafrican.com, we’re serious in the fight against texting under the influence. This is something we can tackle together.

9. Call out bullshit as and when it drops

This is aimed mainly at the fellas. But all of us can do our bit to reduce bullshit emissions in 2018. If your mates start making some horrendously inappropriate jokes about sexual assault, race, or things that are just not cool – say something.

No-one wants to be a killjoy but if that’s the best your mates can manage, then you probably wouldn’t be missing out on much if you saw less of them.

10. Take Justin Bieber’s advice and Love Yourself.

This doesn’t get said enough. But there are so many ways people want to change themselves; lose weight, make gains, make x amount of money in the next few years like that guy from school did, be funny, be humble, be this, be that.

Did anyone stop to think “no, to hell with all this. I’m doing fine, I don’t need to be told how to look or how to act”? This is one resolution we can all stick to. In fact, don’t wait until January. Start right now. Be yourself and enjoy it.