12 Questions to see if you are REALLY ready for marriage

Marriage is a serious step. How do you know if you are really ready?

According to top psychologists, there are 12 crucial questions to ask to determine the longevity of your relationship.

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PSYCHOLOGISTS DETERMINE TOP CRITERIA TO TEST RELATIONSHIP

In a recent interview with Today.com, Dr David Helfand, a Vermont-based licensed psychologist specializing in couples therapy, said that “one of the most difficult parts of a long-term romantic relationship is setting boundaries”.

But, this must be done before even thinking about marriage.

There are also a few other questions to talk through before deciding to take the big step.

DailyMail reports that a pool of top psychologists recently revealed a set of 12 questions that can possible help ensure a lasting long term relationship.

12 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED

1. What helps you to relax? 
   The experts highlight that along with the highs, there will be lows during your relationship, with stress being a big trigger for fractures. 
   Helfand explains that it might be know what relaxes your partner, especially in times of extreme stress. This will not only help your partner but also take pressure off the relationship.
2. What makes you feel loved? 
   Laura Silverstein, a certified couples therapist based in Pennsylvania, advises people to take the love language test with their partner. The love language theory, first developed by Dr Gary Chapman in the 1990s, puts the emphasis on personal needs. According to Dr Chapman, there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch, Daily Mail reports.
3. What is our financial situation? 
   “The No 1 cited reason for divorce is finances, so it’s important that you go into your marriage with eyes wide open,” said California-based dating coach and psychologist Holly Battey. She recommends talking about your credit scores, the amount of debt you have, your incomes and how your foresee dividing the financial responsibilities. Many couples struggle with finances and sharing the load, so Battey recommends seeking help from a financial coach if this is an issue.
4. What have been your biggest traumas? 
   Hefland says it is important to delve into your partner’s past and their biggest traumas.
   “Traumas shape us. If you know what experiences were truly terrifying for your partner, you can better understand who they are today,” Hefland explained as per DailyMail. 
5. Where do you draw the line between secrecy and privacy? 
   Amy Morin, who is a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker based in Florida, says couples should agree on their boundaries when it comes to preferences around privacy from the beginning. Morin warns that if couples disagree on the privacy aspect of their relationship, it can lead to mistrust and with one person thinking that the other is being shifty.
6. How do you deal with conflict? 
   Everyone has their own ways of dealing with conflict, and Silverstein says it’s important to know how your partner reacts and acknowledge the way they behave. She highlights the work of Dr John Gottman who spent 40 years studying couples and found that compromise is essential to managing conflict in relationships. He suggests three functional conflict management styles: conflict-avoiding, volatile and validating. Understanding the different ways of handling conflict is key, especially when preferences differ.
7. What role should extended family play in our relationship? 
   Extended families can be a great source of concern among couples. One person might love seeing relatives all of the time, while the other might see this as a nightmare chore. Morin recommends ‘establishing expectations up front’ when it comes to handling the family. If views differ, try and find a viable solution.  
8. What are our deal breakers? 
   When you’re venturing into marriage, Battey recommends sitting down and establishing boundaries around your relationship ‘as well as the consequences of a breech’. Possible topics to discuss include adultery, abuse and addiction.
9. How are we going to stay connected while maintaining independence in our marriage?
   The experts warn that losing a sense of self when in a relationship is a key concern. Silverstein says that it’s important to avoid this from happening if you want to maintain a healthy balance and keep the romance alive. She recommends maintaining “hobbies and friendships as well as personal and professional ambitions… this way, you can plan to share your lives together while also thriving as individuals”.
10. How will we divide domestic labour? 
    An important yet sometimes overlooked point of contention can be the subject of domestic labor. Battey says, that now gender roles are changing housework can be something that is fairly distributed. She says she’s encountered many women who have been unhappily married and resentful of their partner because they do the majority of the chores. But she argues domestic labor ‘should be fair and suited to each partners’ strengths.’ 
11. What’s something about me that concerns you? 
    Morin, says although this question can be a bit awkward, it’s an important one to ask and to be honest about with your response. Both parties have flaws and there might even be reason for concern. According to Morin, talking about each other’s could be “an opportunity to work through uncomfortable conversations”.
12. What is our shared vision? 
    It might be something you associate more with a job interview than a relationship, but the experts say thinking about your five to ten year plan is important.
    “Couples with shared goals are more likely to last,” says Battey. Regularly checking to see if everyone is still on the same page will also help.

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