Bronwyn Lavender, KZN: ‘We are sick of you, Corona…’

Dear Corona (or Wuhan flu, Chinese flu, COVID-19 — whatever you are calling yourself these days).

Let me introduce myself. I’m a young female living on the most-southern tip of Africa in a supposed democracy called South Africa.

You’ve been so busy around the world, but you have reared your ugly head here too, causing panic and pandemonium, the likes that I haven’t seen since Checkers Hey Day sales when I was a kid.

You have caused mass panic buying of hand sanitiser here, but at least we weren’t as idiotic as the Aussies who bought toilet paper buy the bakkie loads, only to realise that you don’t cause a runny stomach — and they can’t eat it.

State of inaction after throwing off shackles of apartheid

You see, my country is a small one. We are a young democracy of 25 years. Not much has been accomplished since the end of apartheid, but at least we are free from the tyranny and oppression of a government that imposed curfews, stopped people from going places, buying certain things. From a time when thousands of soldiers were deployed to keep the citizens at bay, and there were roadblocks and people were jailed if they were caught in areas they weren’t suppose to be in without a “pass”.

Thank goodness we are free of that ugly government!

State of corruption

Now we have a government that, up until a few months ago, was one of the most corrupt in the world. Man, Corona, I wish you had met old Uncle JZ. He would have laughed in your face. Him and his connections stole about a trillion rand in state capture, and all he got was a nice homestead to retire in.

Now we have these okes in power who are trying to deal with you, but I don’t think any of them know who is the boss. They belong to the ruling party, sometimes referred to as the African National Congress, but more recently referred to as the African National Circus.

Who’s the boss?

You have Cyril aka President Ramaphosa aka President Rhamanutless who is the supposed boss. He appears on TV every now and then to address the nation as “My Fellow South Africans”. When he does that, you reach for toilet paper because the paw paw is about to hit the fan.

Then you have NDZ [Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma]. Let’s call her that because I have no clue (or mental inclination) on how to say her first name. She was once married to JZ, and was once up against Cyril in the race for the top spot of Loothuli House. Shame, she didn’t win, even with all the support of the illegal cigarette men. This old lady speaks like she is incapacitated and belongs in an old age home.

She is so drunk on the power of the sour grapes from loosing the top spot, that she will do anything to undermine Cyril. Who is she and why is she even a minister in charge of anything? I think Cyril gave her that ministry just to make that faction happy, but now it’s come back to bite him in the bum because she is running this country.

There’s another guy, Ebrahim Patel. To be honest, I don’t know much about him. But I don’t like him. I don’t trust him. He reminds me too much of a Gupta (Google them, they will make for some light-hearted reading on how best to rape a beautiful country). No one really knew about him until he took away our cooked Woolies chicken.

National catastrophe

You have ministers who are calling ventilators vibrators on national television. It really is a national catastrophe.

Oh, and then there’s Bheki Cele. He is the police minister. He used to be the national police commissioner, but got fired after he was found to be corrupt. So he was promoted to minister.

In our country, unless you are corrupt or have spent time in jail, you don’t qualify for a position in government. It’s a pre-requisite on your CV.

59 million citizens and ‘ministers in Gucci underwear’

Then there are the 59 million citizens who keep this country going, and our ministers in Gucci underwear. We are a mixed group, and for the most part we are a hardworking, loving, caring people who just get on with life. There was a time when we didn’t get along, but for the last 25 years we have tried to build a rainbow nation. That’s was until you arrived.

You really scared the bejezus out if us.

Lockdown antics and tigers

So the world went into lockdown. We were asked to stay at home. Only go out to the shops if you needed urgent things. I think most of the people who were wondering around aimlessly during those five weeks were the people who had either only DStv or SABC and e.tv. I too would have wanted to leave the house if I had to watch repeats of Anaconda (1 to 6). Thank the Pope for Netflix.

You made a story about a man and a woman fighting over tigers an immediate hit because people were bored.

So we stayed inside like uncle Cyril asked us to. We washed our hands 10 times a day (even when we didn’t leave the house). We did our own housework, washed millions of dishes. I washed enough clothes to clothe an army which was strange because I found myself sitting in my pyjamas all day eating Big Korn Bites and watching shows about people making food I’ll never eat.

Baking and shopping frenzy

Some (crazy) people baked banana bread and biscuits then posted pictures on Facebook. The closest I got to baking was licking my phone.

Uncle Cyril banned our wine and smokes in the beginning of the lockdown. He gave us 24 hours’ notice, so you can imagine the turmoil he created. Just before payday, nogal. People went mental. Some people managed to get, but it wasn’t enough, especially when lockdown was extended from three to five weeks.

But like I said, us South Africans are a hardy bunch. We have a saying here ” ‘n boer maak ‘n plan” which basically means that if the paw paw is about to hit the fan, we will find a way to turn that fan off (such as loadshedding), or fix it by any means possible so that it doesn’t hit us.

Making life good amid the bad: Pineapple beer

We pickle, roll, sell, brew, deal, we really make life good in a bad situation.

Pineapple beer became such a big thing, that shops were running out of yeast. The loud shots in the night that were once gunshots from crime, are now just your neighbours’ pineapple beers cracking open. We even have a recipe for DIY wine.

But no recipe for DIY cigarettes…

What we don’t have is a recipe for DIY cigarettes. Yes, they banned us from purchasing smokes legally. Can you believe it? Beer I can justify, because when you get drunk you may snog a stranger and swap saliva, but don’t take our uintjies away.

Now, the reason I took my time to introduce you to the African Notorious Criminals above was because something happened that really riled up a nation. We were lied to.

Plain and simple. Cyril, he came on national TV and in between telling us that we have done so well, giving us a gold star and a sucker, he slipped in that tobacco products would be allowed to be sold when they move us from Level 5 to Level 4 lockdown.

You could hear the collective sigh of relief, followed by a hacking cough from 11 million smokers in our country. People were clapping, shouting, screaming with joy. It was as if our national soccer team had actually eventually scored a goal. We were preparing our lives to purchase our Stuyvies on the first day of Level 4.

No smoke signal about cigarette ban ‘vote’

But then the other president, NDZ, stood up a few days later and literally took our breath away.

According to her speech, more than 2 000 people objected to lifting the smoking ban in submissions to government. Hang on! Stop the bus! What submissions?

The only reason 11 million smokers didn’t submit any submissions is because we thought that what our president said would be law. We didn’t think he would be over-ridden by some granny talking nonsense about a zol. What an absolute farce! Who is the real president of this country?

If we had known it was to be taken to a vote, we would have flooded their submissions with millions of reasons to lift the tobacco ban, but we didn’t get a chance.

That’s just shows what a confusing hot mess our government has turned into.

They received thousands of submissions from those crazy, healthy people who find it fun to run about and exercise, who have been going insane under house arrest for five weeks. So what do they do? Oh take a guess? Okay, you freaks…if you want exercise so badly, go out in your masses and do what you want to, but… only between the hours of 06:00 and 09:00.

Running through dark times

If you want it real bad, you will wake up at the beginning of winter, when it’s still a little dark out there and the frost crackle under your Nikes…and run.

They also decided that they were going back to a dark time in our country’s history when there was a curfew and certain people weren’t allowed out past certain times. Such a draconian, colonial time is back! We are now not allowed out of our house between 19:00 and 05:00.

Do you sleep snooze between 06:00 and 09:00, Corona?

So tell me ‘rona, how do you operate? Do you sleep between 19:00 and 05:00, get up for an hour, work a little, then go back and snooze for three hours between 06:00 and 09:00? Or do you make coffee and sit on the balcony watching the runners come past, thinking: “Nah, they are crazy, I’m not touching them. They too fast”?

Then get dressed and back to work after 09:00?

I’m confused. I thought you worked 24 hours a day? Not according to our government.

More surfers, dog walkers arrested than state capture cronies

And heaven help you if you are found breaking the curfew or doing other exercises that aren’t approved by the government. Surfers are getting arrested! Are you also in the sea now? I can’t even walk my dog outside of the given hours for fear of being thrown in jail. Do you know, more people have been arrested and thrown in jail for walking their dogs and surfing, than have been arrested or jailed for state capture? Wow!

But the thing that has really gotten my granny panties in a twirl is the ban on books. Doesn’t this government realise that a nation is built on education, and now is the time when books — of all kinds — should be promoted to every household. Get the children reading! Get the adults reading! Open the libraries and create a place of free entertainment for the mind.

After all, it’s books that kept their comrades sane while locked up on Robben Island for 27 years!

We just want our smokes, our brandy and Coke…

We are sick (pardon the pun) of you.

I had to have a mandatory “You test” today before I could go to hospital next week…and I swear she touched my brain with that long Q-tip. Perhaps a few politicians need the test so their brains can be polished and they can wake up and start running this country, instead of ruining it.

So, just go, walk out the door, we don’t need you anymore. We just want our smokes, our brandy and Coke and to be able to fart in public without the state saying that the pollution industry is only back on Level 3 and arresting us.

You have honestly been the longest anything made in China has ever lasted, but it’s about time you broke so we can pack you back in the toy cupboard and forget you ever existed.

Cheers,
Bronwyn